And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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