I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
