Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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