apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
