I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
