im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
