Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
