i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
