Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think i peed on brittanys purse
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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