Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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