one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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