You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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