the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
