My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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