I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
