he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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