it was like his penis was on wheels.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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