She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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