The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
