it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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