and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
