I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
