Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
