your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
