I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
