It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
