Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
