i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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