My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
