I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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