Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
