He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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