Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
