dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
