I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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