two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
