Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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