happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
