He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
