Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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