Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize