If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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