Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize