he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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