Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
