sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
