.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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