Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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