we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
The air taste purple.
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