Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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