I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
