??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
