After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
