That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
